"Just to be clear, I'm not condoning eating your kids, but I sure as heck know why giraffes do it"
"You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock."
"It's not your fault, Honey. Mother is part of the word. You never hear of anyone being sfathered to death."
"You're doing that thing when you say what I want you to say, but your tone seems mean."
"I know the pain is fresh, but the lie is really old."
"Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met your mom"
"A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It's like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school."
"Let's show these guys what kind of team they're about to beat."
"Don't talk black to me"
"My boy was in trouble. So I put my fears aside and came to his rescue? Does that make me a hero? Yes it does"
"Claire likes to say "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both"
"I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face"
"Act like a parent, talk like a peer. I call it peerenting"